The 12 Days of Christmas


Blog post / Sunday, December 31st, 2017
John Wylie reads Better Newspaper Contest judges’ comments during a two-month hospitalization

We are sharing this favorite column that John Wylie wrote after spending more than two months in the hospital

By John Wylie, 2012

On the first day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the second day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the third day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, five golden bedpans!

Four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, six glucose checks, five golden bedpans!

Four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, seven gowns a flapping, six glucose checks, five golden bedpans!

Four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, eight cups of pills, seven gowns a flapping, six glucose checks, five golden bedpans!

Four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On ninth day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, nine crabby nurses, eight cups of pills, seven gowns a flapping, six glucose checks, five golden bedpans!

Four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, 10 cows as heart valves, nine crabby nurses, eight cups of pills, seven gowns a flapping, six glucose checks, five golden bedpans!

Four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, 11 ribs a breaking, 10 cows as heart valves,

nine crabby nurses, eight cups of pills, seven gowns a flapping, six glucose checks, five golden bedpans!

Four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks, and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, 12 rolls of sutures, 11 ribs a breaking, 10 cows as heart valves, nine crabby nurses, eight cups of pills, seven gowns a flapping, six glucose checks, five golden bedpans, four pre-dawn blood draws, three frigid meals, two output checks and a bunch of drugs in an IV.

On the 13th day of Christmas, my doctors gave to me, absolutely nothing ‘cause I fired the whole bloody mess. No more rolls of sutures, no more ribs a breaking, no more cows as heart valves, no more crabby nurses, no more cups of pills, no golden bedpans, no more pre-dawn blood draws, no more frigid meals, no more output checks but I kept the drugs in the IVs.

Editor’s note: The preceding song lyrics were found among John M. Wylie II’s papers on Tuesday after the Leader publisher was admitted to St. Mumbles Hospital for the Totally Bewildered. He is being treated for a complete nervous breakdown following his seventh “invasive procedure” of 2012.

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